I need a bite guard during the day

Im finally sitting down after a long day.  One of those days.  You know… when things just go wrong from the start.  You accidentally hit snooze too many times and wake up out of your morning daze in  a panic.  You spill coffee on your wool coat on the way into the office building.  You do something at work you weren’t supposed to do.  You didn’t do something at work that you were actually supposed to do.  You missed a conference call (well actually a months worth of conference calls) because someone told you the wrong time, but then had the audacity to thank you for correcting your error.

Ahh… I was biting my tongue so hard today that I gave myself a very bad tension headache.  I was ready to go home by about 10:00 am.  But right after work I  also had to go to the dentist.  Thats the cherry on the sundae right there.  I kept trying to get out of my bad mood today.  But it would seem that right after I would resolve to change my attitude someone else would just hand it right back to me. 

But there is a smile on my daughters face, and of course chicken nuggets in her belly.  She has been showering me with little kisses, hugs, and “mommy I lub oo too!”’s.  And I tell you that can even make the Grinch’s heart grow.  It was the snap back to reality that I needed.  And I have eaten enough pizza and dove chocolate to make myself sufficiently full and happy. 

In other good news Friday Baby Girl and I are heading out to meet D for a weekend visit.  A 5 hour trip for each of us, so not bad at all.  Of course I have a whole list of things that he wants me to bring from home.  But I was expecting that    We are using some of my bajillion Marriott points to pay for the stay.  And I will still have a whole bunch left over, so we will get another stay out of them later too.  I think what I am most excited about is seeing the look on my daughters face as she runs up to daddy for the first time in weeks.  I miss that.  She’s the kind of kid that does that all the time.  And I can’t wait to see it directed at daddy again. 

We are officially into a routine and things have smoothed out quite a bit.  Mornings are probably the most bumpy time of the day, but let’s be honest – neither Baby Girl nor I are morning people.  We were blessed with a child that loves sleep just as much as we do.  In fact she didn’t get me up until about 10:15 last Saturday.  That was awesome!

Well time to relax before the State of the Union. 

No Mommy! I talking to daddy now!

Well Baby Girl and I are getting a routine down, and the mornings are going much more smoothly than they did last week.  She still asks for daddy a lot during the day, but its not too bad anymore.  Using Skype has been very good for her.  She really likes talking to daddy.  At her age kids change so quickly.  I find her saying words and sentences that amaze me.  And D said a few times that she is speaking better now than when he left a few weeks ago.  I can see it too.  I am excited to see her reaction when she sees him at our visit next week.  We decided to meet half way between where we live and the school.  Its about a 4 ½ – 5 hour drive for each of us.  I bought a portable dvd player to hook up in the car for Baby Girl so I can keep my sanity.  She is pretty good on car rides, but its been quite a while since we took a little road trip with her.   The last time was almost a year ago and she was much less aware of things then.  And she was very content to sit and play for the whole time.  I think the dvd player is going to be great.  PS – I totally love Amazon, I got the player for cheap compared the shopping around in stores that I did

So anyway, D took his CPO advancement exam this morning.  Ive been trying to urge him to study for it for a while now.  But every time he just tells me that its too hard to study for them because the tests are so broad.  But I think that a little review, even for a hour is better than nothing.  But Im not his mommy and cant make him do anything.  So Im keeping my fingers crossed that he did well.  I guess that he doesn’t need to do phenomenally on the test, just pass it.  So we will see.  The process for making Chief is quite lengthy and involved.  Lots of waiting.  So, wish him luck! 

Ive started doing pilates again.  I know that its not a very strenuous workout or anything.  But you have to start somewhere right?  So Ive been doing it since D left, and now I feel more motivated to get on the evil treadmill.  I enjoy running / walking so much more outside, but a Michigan winter is just not pleasant.  So Ill stick to the treadmill until the milder weather shows up.  Im hoping it will be sooner rather than later, but hey with Michigan you never know.  I really need to just start moving again.  I cant expect myself to be able to do 50 pushups or run 5 miles right off the bat.  I need to take it slow, but keep on it. 

I know a few of you ladies have been running and working out too.  So yay for us, and lets keep it up! 

Tomorrow is another day

First, I would like to start by saying thanks to all of you for your words of encouragement and understanding.  You are all amazing.  Second, I hope that my post didn’t come off as whiny and bitchy.  That was not the intent.  I was more so telling myself to get over myself.  So thanks for putting up with it.  J  So many of my readers / friends have been through or are going through long deployments, and I want you to know that your strength is an inspiration.  You ladies rock!

Okay, so moving on… Im sure you are welcoming a change of topic right…   So work is going pretty good.  I am liking things more and more.  The job itself is not bad at all.  I am looking forward to more things to do a little more independence.  But that all comes with time.  But I am really getting the hang of things, and understanding the processes.  I am looking forward to working at home again when we move.  I was spoiled a bit those few weeks when I was home.  No commute, and working in some comfy clothes was nice.  The office here isn’t bad at all.  I just don’t like to get up one second earlier than I have to.  And when Im commuting 30-40 minutes away, I have to get up much earlier than I’d like. 

With D gone, Im getting a lot of bonding time with Baby Girl.  We spend lots of time reading, cuddling, and being goofy together.  Except for Sunday, things have been going pretty well with it being just the two of us.  We both have our moments, but the majority of the time things are good.  

D and I both signed up for Skype accounts, and we used it for the first time the other night.  That was definitely very cool.  Baby Girl really enjoys talking to daddy face to face.  Even though his webcam isn’t wonderful, its still good enough to see him.  She enjoys it so much, that if I try to talk to him when she is in the room she tells me to “be quiet mommy, Im talking to daddy!”  And she will do this as she puts her hand in my face.  I am not sure where that little attitude came from, but I can tell you I don’t like it.  And it can get annoying when I answer a question and she interrupts me the whole time.  But we are working on it.  She really does enjoy seeing his face though.  Im not sure how often we will get to use Skype though.  D starts his 5 pm – midnight class schedule today.  He is confident that he won’t end up being there until midnight each night, but we will see. 

Well, I hope you all have a great day!

When are you “allowed” to miss someone?

Yesterday I had a bad day. A really bad day. Mostly because my daughter was being a little hellion, but also in part because I miss my husband. I woke up with yet another headache, still tired and wondering what the day had in store. The first hour or so was normal, but then my daughter must have decided that it was No day. As in anything I wanted her to do was – No. Or “NO, I don’t want to!” Or, “Leave me alone!” Or “Mommy, be quiet!” Okay fine she is a 2 year old, its part of the age. I totally get that. But after an entire day of the screaming, and the not eating, and the tantrums, and the whining for anything and everything… it started to wear on my nerves. Then bedtime was pure hell. An hour and a half of screaming bloody murder and crying because she just didn’t want to go to bed… I just needed a break. Just a few minutes to sit in some peace and quiet to gather my thoughts and recharge. This is where the missing the husband thing comes in. He is so great at taking over when I need it. We share all the responsibilities of taking care of the house and baby when he is home. Now its all on me. Which is fine, I have known for a long time that lifestyle was coming… but it really is hard to do it on your own when every step of the way you’ve had help.

Now Im sure there are some of you reading this an rolling your eyes telling me to get a grip. I can appreciate that my situation is by no means terrible. But here is something I just have to say… I am done feeling guilty about missing my husband. Everyone’s situation is different. And right now I am on the early side of things. My husband just left for the first time in years, and I feel like there is this big cloud hanging over me… its all the missing and the separation, and the unknowns of the future that are causing me anxiety. That this is only the beginning… that we signed up for five damn years on a ship. I am not just missing my husband, I am anticipatorily missing him as well… for all the times he will be gone in the future too.

Is it fair to say that since he won’t be gone a year, or 18 months or because in this moment he isn’t in a dangerous place that I am not allowed to miss him? I have been beating myself up over this because I have friends who’s loved ones have been gone all year. Because my brother in law is deploying in a few weeks. I have told myself over and over to just suck it up, that he’s only 10 hours away. That its only 4 months. That I can talk to him on the phone each night. But all of that doesn’t change that he is away from me and my daughter right now. That she asks to see him and talk to him about 50 times a day. That she hugs and kisses his picture, and has started wearing my locket with our picture in it telling me – mommy & daddy are in there! That breaks my heart. Because she doesn’t fully understand what is going on. She doesn’t have a concept of time, but she misses him regardless because he isn’t there. It’s a constant reminder of what he is missing, and who she is missing.  And it makes it that much harder.

And as my husband so wonderfully reminded me last night – “its only been a little over a week, what are you going to do when it’s a deployment?” Right, I understand what he is saying. But doesn’t it make sense that the first week or two are the hardest? That is the time where you have to get into your own routine of doing things by yourself. That you have to get used to not having them there. That for me is the hardest part. Im sure in another week I will be able to say – pshh… I got this! And things will just flow and I will be fine, and my daughter will adjust to having just me home.  And down the road when he is doing workups or underways, that It will be easier on me because by then I will have the hang of it.

But also  let me add, that I think there are different degrees of missing someone too. Its not like ‘Ive been sitting on my couch crying my eyes out drinking wine until I cant walk, wondering how the time will ever seem to pass. Because the reality is that our situation isn’t that bad. But do I miss him helping with the dishes, and giving the baby a bath, and helping to fold laundry, and cuddling on the couch after Baby Girl has gone to bed? I sure as hell do.  And you know what, if I didn’t… that I think that would be problem. 

I married my husband because I love him, and want to spend my life with him. So I am done feeling guilty about wanting him home with me. I am done telling myself that because my situation isn’t as bad as another person’s, that I am not allowed to feel that way. Because at the end of the day, there is always someone somewhere that has it worse than all of us.

Of Windows & Wonder

Well… I started working in the office for my new job.  That was the original game plan.  Start out in the office, get up to speed and then transition to working from home when I go to San Diego.  I guess they were letting some people go, so they had me and another girl start at home and start in the office on Monday.  I was surprised when I got there and I was shown to an office!  I thought I was going to be working in the other side of the office suite in a cubicle.  But hooray, I have an office for the time being.  And there are windows!  That is awesome.  It does help the mood to get up for a stretch for a minute and take a look out the window.  I know Im only two days into working into the office, but so far so good.  Most everyone seems pretty nice and helpful.  Im a little skeptical of a few people, but Ill only be around for a few months, so Im not sweating it

In other news, D went downtown and officially checked out of recruiting.  He had a meeting with the CO and a few other people.  I guess they had nothing but good things to say about him.  We also found out a few weeks ago, that iout of  the whole district, he got the best Eval score of any E6.  And his personal best Eval score.  I am very proud of him.  We are really hoping that when he is up for Chief next year, that it reflects how well he has done here recruiting and it helps his chances of making it the first time around.  *fingers crossed*

Anyways, so since he has checked out that means we are starting off the next phase of the Navy life adventure.  He is packing up right now, and he heads out on Friday.  He starts school in Virginia next Monday.  He will be there until the first week in May.  So its not tragic or anything.  But we have been here under this roof for 3 solid years.  And man we are so lucky that we can say that.  But maybe we got a little soft.  We have forgotten what it is like to spend the majority of our lives apart.  What its like to be living together through our phones, emails, pictures and weekend trips. Thankfully we get the chance to ease into it a little.  He will only be 10 hours away.  So we can both pack up and meet somewhere in the middle for a few days.  We can see each other as much as his schedule will allow. 

So, needless to say I am pretty sad that D is leaving.  For the first time, we will be apart and I will be handling all the parenting by myself.  I know I can handle it.  But I have caught myself building up the anxiety in my head.  It has been such a long time since we have been in this position that Ive had a hard time not comparing it to a deployment.  I know they are different, but I find myself having similar emotional reactions.  Fighting back tears when I think about attending functions by myself.  How bath duty for Baby Girl is all on me.  Why am I doing this?  I have no idea.  I know its not that big of a deal.  I need to snap out of it.  I need to remain positive, and hopefully the time flies.

Anyways, enough rambling for tonight.

Happy New Year’s Eve

Well as we close out another year, we are all busy reflecting on this one.  Like every year, this one has not went as planned, but I can look back at this one and be happy.  My marriage grew so much stronger and better than I ever knew marriages could even be.  I am so thankful for that.  My daughter has blossomed into a little girl from a baby, and has developed a sense of independence and has so much joy.  My family has been under one roof for the entire year.  It will be quite a few years until we will be able to say that again. 

This year has definitely been trying at times.  We’ve had our share of sadness and loss.  But we have had an amazing uncle beat colon cancer, meningitis and brain surgery.  Another that recovered from a heart attack.  It has also been full of joy.  Babies born to friends and family, and new marriages have begun.  Time spent with amazing friends.  And new friendships have begun.

This year is one that I look back on with no regret. 

I know that next year we are headed to unfamiliar territory literally and figuratively.  I know that the strength we have will carry us through.  I am excited, anxious, nervous, scared but ready. 

I also want to take the chance to say thank you to all of the wonderful people I have had a chance to meet from this blog.  So many of you have become good friends even if we have never actually met.  Thank you for being there in the hard times.  Thank you for the support when I feel like I am the only one having a hard time with something.  And thank you for making me smile.

I wish everyone a happy and prosperous 2010.  I hope that we can all grow stronger in love and remember to laugh a little bit more.   Be safe, and I will see you next year 

Happy Holidays

Im a tad late on wishing everyone Happy Holidays, but I hope that whatever holiday you celebrated, that it was a wonderful one.  I feel very blessed this year.  Our last Christmas in Michigan was great.  We spent Christmas Eve with my husband’s family, and Christmas day with mine.  Normally we have to split th holiday on Christmas day, but thankfully this year it worked out that his family decided to have their get together on Christmas Eve.  That way we weren’t rushed, and got to just relax and spend time with both of our families this year. 

I think we all were a little spoiled this year.  My daughter especially.  She got a ton of toys, stuffed animals, movies and we ended up getting her a little tv / dvd player combo for her bedroom.  When D suggested the idea, at first I thought it was ridiculous.  But the more I thought about it… its more for giving me a sanity break when he is gone.  And of course she loves it.  Not that we will just let her sit in front of the tv all hours of the day.  But a little break is nice.

I am excited about the promise of a new year, and what it will hold for us.  Not looking forward to spending 4 months of it away from my husband… but such is life when you are married to someone in the military.  I hope everyone has a wonderful last week of 2009! 

Slow Going

Well its hump day, and Im glad that its almost over.  Its definitely been a tough climb this week.  Its mostly my own attitude.  Im having a little bit of a tough time starting the new job.  The feeling out of place, the not knowing what Im doing, the having to ask a million questions… Im so not used to this.  Im really trying to remain positive.  This week everyone has been so busy that Ive been a tad neglected, so not much work for me to do.  So its busy work.  I fucking hate busy work.  Hey, take these 20 pages of contact info and type it into excel.  UGH.  Fucking hate it.  I think that when I am actually in a groove of doing the actual job it will be better.  But right now, its still a lot of waiting around for people to send me stuff to do and send it back to them for review.  I want to feel like I am contributing… but Im really feeling like I am in the way. 

Sigh.  Enough of that.  There are adjustments and growing pains to everything.  I know that.  Cant wait for them to be over though.

But in some good news we got a pack out date the other day.  Its set for May 25th.  I am excited and nervous all at the same time.  I cannot wait to live in San Diego.  But Im stressed about renting out our house.  We think we have it figured out.  A friend and my BIL are supposed to rent it out together.  But D and I are a little concerned that his brother might not be able to afford his half.  He is living in our basement right now, but we only charge him $150 a month to cover the cost of having him here.  And if he cant afford it, our friend cant afford to stay here by himself.  So… we are keeping our fingers crossed that it doesnt fall through.  But if it does… we need to figure out what we are going to do.  And we were checking out what some homes in our neighborhood sold for online last night… yeah… it’s definitely gotten even worse in the past 6 months.  There are houses just like ours selling for less than HALF what we paid for ours 3 years ago.  Sigh.  So selling isnt even an option. 

But we are checking out places in San Diego and I am getting excited about moving there.  We have found some areas that we like, and are hoping they will have some availability June 1st.  Yikes.  In just six months we will be living across the country.  And in just three weeks my husband will be 10 hours away for 4+ months.  I am not excited about that. 

But, I finally got a task to do – yippee!

Things Have Changed for Me

Yes I am alive, and my blog has been a tad neglected lately.  But so many things have  been going on, that I havent really found the time to sit and write anything more than a few sentences and twitter updates.  Well I started my new job last week.  The last two weeks at my old job were very busy and I will admit difficult.  Even though I complained about my job a lot the past few months… it really was a big old family.  And everyone hated and loved each other.  I do miss the people there  a lot.  And I do miss some parts of my job as well.  There was a design / creative aspect to it that I dont have anymore.  That and the event planning were my very favorite things to do, and I will miss them. 

But the new job is going very well so far.  I definitely forgot what it was like to be the “new girl”.  I have to ask so many questions, and learn their process and rules.  Im not the one training… Im the one that doesn’t know anything.  It’s foreign to me.  I feel weird and a little out of place.  But I am getting the hang of things, and Im sure in time I will be more comfortable.  Everyone seems very nice so far in my limited interactions. 

My home office is all set up, and I have new desk that I am in love with   and they set me up with a speedy quick new laptop and a printer.  So all in all its been going well.  I like working from home.  I do miss the social aspect of the office, but at the same time there are parts of it that I dont miss.  As I type this I am still in my pajamas and listening to music.  I dont hear people bitching about how busy they are and how much they hate their job.  I dont hear an  old school printer that sounds like a very loud washing machine printing constantly. 

Baby Girl is still going to daycare during the day.  If I kept her home the tv would be her sitter and I just dont like the idea of that.  Plus soon I will have a lot to do, and wont be able to keep up with her.  She love her sitter, and its only 4 blocks or so away so its not a big deal at all.

But… duty calls, back to work for me.  Now that Im settling in, my updates will be more frequent 

Cruising Along

Things are going smoothly over in my neck of the woods.  I start my new job next week, husband has orders, and the holidays are coming.  For the first time ever (seriously EVER) I started Christmas shopping early.  I dont really get down on the religious aspects of the holidays anymore, but I still just love Christmas.  There is just something in the air, and I love it.  Getting a tree, decorating, the lights, carols, old Christmas movies   Im not switching over to the Christmas music radio station yet or anything, I believe all holidays have their time and place.  I cannot get into Christmas mode until at least the first full week in December.  But I am very excited to have started shopping.  I have one stocking stuffer for the hubby already, and another is on the way.  I have already figured out what to get him for the big gift so I am really excited about that.  My husband is that guy that buys himself the things he wants.  For his birthday, I wanted to get him an iPod… he bought himself a iTouch.  I was originally going to get him a netbook for Christmas… yeah he bought one of those last month too.  It drives me insane.  But I think I have figured out the perfect gift, and the perfect way to keep it from him hehe!

Also, we decided to host Thanksgiving this year.  Since its our last one here in Michigan, we wanted to spend as much quality time with our families on the holidays as possible.  When we have to split a holiday, it always feels rushed and hurried and I hate that.  So I have a 20 lb turkey, and I am getting a Honeybaked Ham as well.  My fridge and pantry are both stuffed full of stuff that need to be cooked.  I am also making a pumpkin pie and some delicious Tollhouse Cookies   So I will be busy the next few days.  But it will totally be worth it. 

What I am not looking forward to, is the fact that in January my husband has to go off to school to be able to go back to the ship.  Yeah… its only 4 months, but he will be 10 hours away.  I have to get into the mind-set of him being gone more than he is home.  And being the only parent home for lengths of time… well lets just say Im not looking forward to that either.  I know Ill get through it, and everything will be fine.  But damn time is flying by and he will be gone before I know it.

Sigh.